02: Our light in the darkest room

Another month… another negative pregnancy test… Again my emotions run off and I’m asking myself if I will ever have children? If I will ever know the joy of seeing pregnant on a test, hear a baby’s heartbeat in my tummy and truly feel the joy of being a mom.

Another month of rebuilding myself all over again… Reminding myself of all the scripture I recited during this awful two week wait. You would think it gets easier after a year and a half of this up and down cycle but it gets somewhat harder and you become almost disappointed in yourself for yet again “failing” to be joyful in your suffering and trusting God to answer your prayers.

Another month and another friend pregnant… Just one more bit of light being covered up in this room called my life which is feeling darker and darker by the day. The scary thing about darkness is that it is not confined to a specific person or situation. It can happen to anyone at anytime and can also happen more than once throughout your life. It is like a thief in the night that comes to rob you of everything. It creeps in so slowly and quietly and before you know it you are face to face with it.

I have always been (or tried to be) very much in control of everything I do in life. I like to know where I am going, what time I will be finished and exactly what that event entails. The times when I was not in control of things I would be sent into an absolute tailspin and my anxiety would become hard to manage. In this season of infertility, I have been tested so much in areas of patience and control and have so often felt alone in this dark room. This darkness robs oneself so easily of joy and hope. Hanging out here too much can make you lose sight of anything positive and good around you.

But God is perfect light! There can be no darkness when there is light. Light is bright, happy and joyful, it cannot be anything else. It is powerful, can reach to the deepest darkest depths. It is so bright and so hard to dim. Light can come in many forms. It could be an encouraging scripture, a supportive friend, a good laugh, an inspiring film. We don’t need to be afraid, light always overcomes darkness. So whenever that darkness tries to creep in, no matter how quietly, remember it will never overcome.

In my alone times I slowly begin to realize that God has been through all of this already. He is here to look after and guide us. He is love and cares for each of us so deeply. He would never deliberately try to hurt us but life is full of challenges because we live in a broken world and things happen because of that. God is love and true love does not try to control and hurt.

I’ve begun to hold onto scripture that is encouraging and helped me see his light and see that I am loved and cared for and that everything is happening for my good “ and we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”- Romans 8Vs 28.

Slowly instead of looking at all the darkness, I begin to see the small flickering of light: the encouraging scripture, my faithful and loving husband, my supportive friends and family. Bit by bit my room becomes lighter and lighter. Joy and hope could find its way back into my room and my heart.

My hope for you today is that as you look around, you find the tiny bits of light that are flickering in, no matter how small, and hold onto this. He has already overcome the world and His light will always outshine the darkest of rooms. I pray you are encouraged and inspired today. Please let me know if you need any support because I am here for you.

Ashtyn xx